Aquarius
January 21 to February 19
February 16 to March 11
You have an inventive mind, but are prone to imagining a bit too far. No, the person you are crushing on has not noticed you, and is not just waiting for you to make the first move. You have dribbled your drink down your shirt and they think you’re a sloppy mess.
Pisces
February 20 to March 20
March 12 to April 18
You are sympathetic and understanding, but look out because some will take you for a sucker. Pisces, you also need to look out for suckers of another variety, as that romp in the tall grass has resulted in new insect friends latching on for a meal of blood.
Aries
March 21 to April 20
April 19 to May 13
You’re the worst of the lot. A majority of Aries have barely hidden alcoholism. You refuse to take criticism, and you are all the worst for it.
Taurus
April 21 to May 21
May 14 to June 19
All sorts of creatures go bump in the night, not many of them friendly. Do you want to make friends with the being just outside your bedroom window. It keeps tapping, but you can’t quite see it. Will you be it’s friend? Will you let the creature in? Will you let the creature feed?
Gemini
May 22 to June 21
June 20 to July 20
A new year brings new opportunities to forego the usual expectations of renewed vigor and focused efficacy, as you have done once again.
Cancer
June 22 to July 22
July 21 to August 21
You consider yourself a leader. Everyone else considers you a whinging twat with a superiority complex. Perhaps now you’ve been told you will consider changing your ways… but lets not set any expectations this early in the year.
Leo
July 23 to August 22
August 10 to September 15
Leos are known for their incredible wit, astounding intelligence and breathtaking beauty. Someone has to be the one the rest of us are jealously gossiping about, and buddy it’s you.
Virgo
August 23 to September 22
September 16 to October 30
There has never been a Virgo of any importance, and you are continuing the tradition. Mediocrity is your loftiest attainable goal.
Libra
September 23 to October 22
October 31 to November 12
Libra Ultra Thin Regular pads with wings and Bodyfit means the pad is designed to fit your body not just your underwear for the ultimate in comfort and protection. Libra Ultra Thin pads have improved softness are odour neutralizing – that’s enough reason to take them home with you!
Scorpio
October 23 to November 22
November 23 to November 29
You’re the type of conservative that would make Ronald Reagan and Maggie Thatcher balk at your extremes, but luckily you’ve found the Young Liberals; people who love to hear your regurgitate the same shit your dad says, and joining you in a hearty sing-song of blatantly racist limericks.
Ophiuchus
November 30 to December 17
Put things off no longer, Ophiuchus. Your laziness and poor concentration mean you’ve been sliding for too long. Now, people are getting tired of supporting your ‘lifestyle’. Weed is not a lifestyle. Get help.
Sagittarius
November 23 to December 21
December 18 to January 18
Dennis Nilsen, Ted Bundy, Pablo Escobar, Joseph Stalin, Ted Cruz, Edmund Kemper, Woody Allen, Steve Bannon are all Sagittarians. There really isn’t much hope for you considering your star mates now, is there?
Capricorn
December 22 to January 20
January 19 to February 15
You shall achieve the very greatest of success because of your total lack of ethics. Watch out, because your tendency to drool during lovemaking is not the kind of wet your partner was looking for.
