Aquarius
January 21 to February 19
February 16 to March 11
You’d look good in that new outfit if you head wasn’t so big. Though you can’t do much about it, you can take attention away from your ‘problem area’ by setting off small explosives in the near vicinity.
Pisces
February 20 to March 20
March 12 to April 18
The dying planet is the least of your worries when your bills arrive all in the same week your have to take unpaid time off from your casual job. The way you, and so many others can’t seem to ever get ahead seems almost as though it was designed.
Aries
March 21 to April 20
April 19 to May 13
Venus rising means a lot of trouble for your bowels this month. Stock up on loo-roll. Don’t hoard though. Stop it! The wonders of technology means that you can buy stocks in toilet paper companies while taking care of business.
Taurus
April 21 to May 21
May 14 to June 19
Working from home is a great relief for your co-workers who have had a long standing hatred of your face, hair, dress sense, and general attitude. Might be time to ‘brush up’ on your dental care too.
Gemini
May 22 to June 21
June 20 to July 20
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood? I don’t know, but perhaps it’s time to cut down before you use all the tissues in the house.
Cancer
June 22 to July 22
July 21 to August 21
Speaking of Cancer, you should see your doctor about that bout of crabs you got off that person you met in the bushes last week. If you remember their name, try to let them know too.
Leo
July 23 to August 22
August 10 to September 15
In the age of at-your-fingertips access to the knowledge of the world, your continued perplexment when confronted with even the simplest maths is now more annoying than cute.
Virgo
August 23 to September 22
September 16 to October 30
Those dating profiles without face pictures are real. Thousands of headless bodies are coming to find you like mindless, hungry zombies crawling toward their prey. Even then, they won’t find you attractive enough to engage with.
Libra
September 23 to October 22
October 31 to November 12
Look out for your Sagittarius friends, they are out to get you. Avoid them at all costs if you intend to survive until next month. Lock the door, avoid the phone, and take different routes to work each day.
Scorpio
October 23 to November 22
November 23 to November 29
When you smile, the whole world smiles with you. When you fail, the whole world laughs at you, just you. This week the world will be laughing at you many, many times.
Ophiuchus
November 30 to December 17
This month look out for things falling from above. It might be a thousand dollars, it might be a turtle; either way wear a hard hat at all times. Can’t be too careful.
Sagittarius
November 23 to December 21
December 18 to January 18
Your Libra friends are in desperate need for your company and kindness. Send kooky them gifts, arrive unannounced in the middle of the night, and find any opportunity you can to be in their life whether they want it or not.
Capricorn
December 22 to January 20
January 19 to February 15
You’ve been in isolation so long, your virginity has almost grown back. Have you tried being a nicer or more positive person? It might be worth checking with friends and family on how you might improve.
